Your dream starts as soon as you wake up

My name is Priscilla and I'm hot stuff! I was born in Oak Park, Illinois, and I'm now stuck in the hell hole that is goody, goody Mormon Utah. I know lucky me, but if I keep myself around my friends I think I'll survive.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

They made me cry

So tonight was parent teacher conferences and all that jazz, right? So my parents found out and so my dad gets all syked and decides were gonna do that. So he gets home and we go over there. We go to like 5 of my teachers (turns out he knows Mr. Carpenter's parents...), then we go to leave and I decide to be smart and point out that the lights in a Seminary building are on, so my dad flips and practically runs over to it. So we go in and my teacher sees me, so he comes over and invites us into his office. So we go in and sit down and the first thing he asks is,"So how is Seminary going for you?" So knowing that my dad knows I can't stand it I told him, "Honestly, I'm not a big fan of Seminary." Then he asked me why and so I gave him some shit about how I think it's mixing church and state (which I do think, I just don't have very much to base that on). Then they started talking about how the prophet has told us that all youth of the church should be in Seminary, an blah blah blah...And then I realized I was crying. For over an hour they kept telling me I was loved and appreciated and I really do make a difference. Which I know didn't help the crying at all, but it's not like their telling me this is going to make me want to be there anymore often or want to pay more attention or participate anymore. So for over and hour I sat their and listened, I sat there and cried, and I just couldn't stop. I made me feel so...(I would say exposed, but that's not quite it...close but not quite). It was weird, and I can tell you now, I never want to see Brother Gubler again, but yeah know I have no choice, now that I have to be there everyday for like 3 weeks. I'm done now...I'm sure you're all sick of my complaining. (Although you're more than welcome to ask if you have anymore questions...don't be afraid.)

Thursday, February 17, 2005

I just don't know anymore...

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently...about how life is changing and how I feel about that. And I 've decided that Brittany found the perfect way to say how I feel, when she was describing the way the main character in her Short Attention Span piece and how she wanted to portray her. She said,"...She is the girl who thinks she can handle anything, but who eventually realizes that her world if falling apart right in front of her and there's nothing she can do..." When she said that I just...I just wanted to sit down and cry, because I knew it was true, but I didn't want it to be. So I was talking to my friend David tonight, and I was trying to explain what I meant when I said that my life could be better, and I was telling him about all of this. And it was kind of strange to me because I haven't been able to talk to anyone else about it...
So paint the white floor, with my red says : so thats why i want to savor all the time i spend with my friends
So paint the white floor, with my red says : casue when i am like 18 and leave to go to college i'll like rarely ever see them again
Come to the dark side...we have cookies! says : yeah, and I was like that last year too, but this's different, and I know that I'm different too, but I'm different because of how they have changed. Like last year I always wanted to be around my friends, they were everything...but this year I can barely stand to be around most of them for more than like 20 minutes without wanting to just go sit in a corner and disappear.
He's the "So paint teh white floor, with my red" and I'm the "Come to the dark side...we have cookies!" (Although you probably couldn've guessed that...) And we're leaving now...goodnight...

Friday, February 11, 2005


So I decided to edit this little post...yeah. This is an excerpt from a song called Wounded. I decided to list the lines that cought my attention, cause I really like the image they give you. Read it and enjoy.
Lost and broken
Hopeless and lonely
Smiling on the outside
Hurt beneath my skin
My eyes are fading
My soul is bleeding

Friday, February 04, 2005

So many things...

I'm not even sure how to start this blog...I am so full of emotions, thoughts, feelings...I don't even know what I want to say, or who I want to say it to, or why I am so confused about all of it. ::deep breaths:: Okay, I think I am going to start by saying that I am very sorry to all of you that I worried. Especially Kendall, Casey and David (none of which will read this because they don't know that it exsists...although I'm sure they would find it very interesting...maybe even helpful in some cases). I am so sorry that I made you worry about me and Kim so much. I never meant to make anyone worry, I just needed to vent and tell someone all the stupid stuff that has been running around my head for the last few months...someone I knew and someone I trusted who I knew wouldn't judge me and my stupid decisions. But as much as I needed to get all of that shit off my chest and just say it outloud and to have someone else understand, I had no right to make any of you worry the way I did, and for that I apologize. I love all of you so much, and I really do appreciate your concern for my safety, but I am so sorry that I made you worry the way I did, and I promise I will try not to do that to you ever again.
Another thing I would like to say is thank you to Kim for being so willing to listen to me and all of my shit. And I am so grateful for you, and I am so glad that you are my friend, and that you are there for me. I really love you and appreciate your friendship. You are an amazing friend and person, and I love you so much! We really need to hang out more often and it would be smart if it wasn't late at night and all alone. :)
There are so many things I want to say, but I don't know how...and I still don't know who all I can trust with these things...these emotions...these secrets...